06.30.16 (the grind)

I run into confusion and barriers at every step in this website. I think it must be me but I am willing to figure it out and yet the results are forced and they appear after so much frustration that they are slips of what they might have been, had I not wasted my try on repeated failed attempts and dead ends.

What does this mean?

Is this a bad idea?

I have very strong doubts about this whole universe. I do not comprehend a purpose or a niche for myself, I do not trust others.
All I know to do at this point in time is write. Write despite the fact that I know I know nothing, I am aware that my thoughts are not unique or original, write to purge my brain of its insanity and fears, write ignoring the fear of what would happen if my words were ever seen by other eyes.

I feel deeply disenfranchised, by a franchise that I do not like or understand, and yet I resent it and feel shame that I am not comfortable and at home any place. I want what is not mine to desire and I fear what is not mine to control I know some things, I know that I know very little. I know that people can be very unexpected and cruel and hurtful, I know that I am not knowledgeable or smart or cruel enough to defend my self from a world that is sharp and cold and indifferent. I feel myself an alien in a foreign, ugly environment. I feel that my first impulses of sincerity and love are stupid impulses. I feel that my second impulses of aggression and defense, self-protection and distrust are also ineffective and inadequate. I am often at a loss for how to navigate the waters of this world. I know only that I am destined to survive and continue through all waters be they clean and clear, stormy, or thick with filth and hidden dangers. I am destined to sail through day after day rain shine or attack. It is mine to survive. I would like to do it with my eyes open and my head up. I would like to survive with some kind of self-love and dignity intact.


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