I should be taking the online defensive driving course right now but instead I am getting this off my chest.

Not to mention the surgery issues, I was right about some of it wrong about some of it.

Or last night’s adventures with my 96 year old grandmother. The fourth of July becomes something else entirely for a person with dementia, no memory and no context for the hours and hours of explosions. We got through it. There has to be a gentler way. I will try to write about this again in the future.

It’s this attempt at approval by the U of U kidney transplant team. Due to my history of addiction and suicide attempts, they have (understandably) requested a letter from my psych med provider which states that I am mentally healthy enough for the rigors of a transplant. I thought, okay its a pain, but no problem. This NP I see and have seen for two years has always appeared to have my back. He has seen me through some rough times and I have been honest with him. He told me once recently that I am “inspirational”. That I should write a book. I took it as a compliment to my resilience and my strength in adversity, but it turns out it was more like, holy shit lady your life is insane, you should write a book.

He has refused to recommend me for transplant. I can’t believe it. I honestly struggle to imagine what more he would like from me? I have fought hard, probably harder than most thanks to the support I have from my family. I have been clean and sober since the relapse of September 30, which I guess I need to write about. But long story short, I was in undiagnosed Stage 4 Kidney failure and I became toxic on the Lithium that was my primary medication to mange bipolar disorder. I went to the ER over labor day weekend, the ER docs, in conjunction with this psychiatric NP, took me off of the Lithium immediately to prevent kidney failure. So I went off, I dutifully visited him in the week following at his walk in clinic I became manic, relapsed (after 18 months clean) and truly not in my right mind due to the mania. so,BAM. A one night half gallon of tequila later Relapse, charges, totaled my car, life flight to hospital, diagnosed with Stage 4 Kidney disease and, p.s. HIV.
And even though I am unable to take my former meds, I continued to check in with this prescriber because I knew I needed a foot in the door there in case, just in case I did need some kind of help. And I have been nothing but willing to do what the doctors ask, and willing to work toward health. And I truly do not know what more I could be doing to get a recommendation for transplant.
It surprised me. And it hurt to hear that some body out there doesn’t think i’m worth the risk.

Look, I have trust issues, I recognize that. But this is part of why. Because even at my best, my try-hardest, people look at me and see something they do not think should continue to thrive.


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