07.14.16 (the aftermath)

There was a point sometime in the last few years when the resilience of the love between Dennis and I increased profoundly. When you weather a lot with another person, A LOT. .. Incarceration, addiction, clean time, loss of employment, homelessness, homicide, suicide, psychosis, physical disability, infidelity, loyalty, survival, hope, and love to throw a few words on it. It just appears to me that we have entered a place of love that is so deep and so persistent that I believe we can get through anything together. Don’t get me wrong, may we have many years of peace and stability and good sex and happiness before us. May our love never be tested again.
But given my personal history with the universe there are many many obstacles yet to come. And, speaking from a life that has seen no shortage of highs and lows, no shortage of instability, I have confidence in what I have with this man. For all of the uncertainty that life offers, I feel deep security in this relationship.
Yesterday night I read a letter he had written a few days ago. And it was a letter that laid bare some of my worst fears and faults. And I read that thing and I died inside, or I wished I could immediately die. Just stop living and never face another moment. (evaluate the maturity of that response all you want, it is what it is, and as the product of evolution, nurture, and experience that I am, retreat is immediately second to my first instinct FIGHT which I also felt and wrote a very nasty response which has since gone to the garbage).
so I read this four page letter. I wished to die inside. I reminded myself that I have felt this emotion before, to terrible end. I went to bed. I woke this morning hung over with my grief and read the letter again. I read it three times this morning.
And by the end of the third time I could find nothing to fear in that letter. His words were true, if not always true to my reality, they were true to his. And every single line was couched in love and commitment and a desire to carry on with me.
So by the time we spoke on the phone I had a couple of things to say, but mainly I wanted to tell him that I love him, I love to be loved by him. And we are going to ride this life out together side by side with determination and love and hardly any fear. or at least with hardly any long-lasting, crippling doubts.
I love you Dennis.

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