4.12.2017

I’m at my sister’s house in Heber to ease concerns that others are expressing about my latest health “crisis”.  I don’t know if I’m in denial or just accustomed to being in jeopardy.   Or what.  My blood pressure has been elevated, swinging between 183-140 on top and 125-98 on bottom. My pulse is fast.  It’s 108 now.  It’s been going on for a few days at least.  I don’t have a lot of faith in things improving.   I don’t think that my medications can even be increased.  Tonight I  just want to hide from it all, dialysis, anti-retro-viral treatments, injections, pills, appointments, energy one hour, fatigue the next hour. . .

It’s a roller-coaster physically but the real problem is that mentally, this week, I am feeling it.  

I would like to curl up and just disappear.  I can feel the bottomless ness beneath my feet, I feel the distance between my brain and everyone elses, I feel the deep, nodding shame of myself.  And it’s close, very close.

And I’ve been through it so many times that I also know that tomorrow likely it will have shifted.  So don’t do anything drastic.  Don’t listen to my self.  Hunker down and survive and creep out later.

So, this morning Janice my would-be kidney donor called me to say that we are compatible.   The tests are back and we are compatible.   This woman is a whole story in herself, another day I will try to record how she came to me, how her god Jesus told her to give me her kidney and how for months now she has been pursuing this prompt on my behalf.  And we are compatible and I feel, what?  Guarded.  Fearful.  Conflicted.

I should be jumping for joy right now.  I haven’t even told my family. 

I don’t know if I believe that there is a future for me.  I don’t know what to do with it. 

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