05.19.17 I want to be a person with a strong body.

I want to be the woman who came out of years of addiction, a tracheostomy, kidney failure, and everything else that has come with years and years of ill health–and got her muscle back.

I want a strong body.  I want muscles in my thighs and shoulders again.  I want to feel strong, and feel proud of my determination.   I want to develop self-discipline in an area that is intimidating at best.  I want to feel strong in my body,  confident that I can put up a good fight if necessary. 

I had started with about 6 weeks of physical therapy which did little to really build muscle but did give me some understanding of what my body can do, and helped me set more realistic goals for myself.

I then asked my mom and dad to buy a 3 month membership at the community rec center.  I did well going 4-5 times a week until I became sick for almost two weeks and was barely making it to dialysis, and struggling to get calories in.  

My first day back to the gym was harder than usual but I showed up.   I should say I feel good every time when I leave.  I think there’s some embarrassment about my severe lack of muscle but I still feel good walking back to my car and through the day I feel more energu, more motivated.   But I got in a car accident leaving the rec center, my fault, took my bumper off, my insurance covered him.

The end result is I haven’t gone back for two weeks.  I will shake it off, and get going again.

I am not a lazy person, or a weak person, or a sickly person.  I am out of practice but all I have is today to do the work, get in practice, and become strong again.  Stronger than ever.

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