Wake up Kate. Wake up. Waking up. Wake the fuck up!!
Willing a wakeup after 6 years of deep survival mode. Locked in addiction trauma violence shock awe and utter departure from all that I once thought I was or knew or believed.
I had a kidney transplant three months and six days ago. I am starting to be well enough to look around and recognize the reality of my state. I know so little about my current desires and self. I want to know my self on a kinder level and nurture that. To return to the things that once gave me joy. The little things that lay beyoND not dying beyond not being killed such as what does food taste and how to make it. Such as how does it feel to know and be known by another. Such as what do I enjoy in my free time.
I have not worked, really, or done anything at all besides suck air, take meds, attend dialysis, feed self despite appetite, not use, not rage or cry. I am not ashamed of this it was all that I could do and I am a strong and resilient human being for surviving thus far.
And it is time to deepen my experience, time to engage in living. I want it.
Chris Baker once again leaving me with a sense of longing for more authenticity for more self-nurture.
And the gift of remembering the bliss of moving through the world with headphones on and music diffusing the experience in my head.
A venue for space outside my space. A coffee shop. A tentative friend. The contact visits. The dog park. Ruby and Kraut are coming to know me and I them. Somewhat. more affection, more contact. Just a little.
I might benefit from a therapist.
I’ve gotta quit doubting my every impulse. Today I live.