Last Friday I saw Dennis. And he cared to ask what my state of mind was, how I am. He is often so kind and conscious of me he cares more than anyone I have ever known, or at least he shows it in a way that is meaningful to my mind. I am so self centered at times. . . I want to return the treatment to him. I hope that I do.
I have been deep in thoughts about living and my life ever since Janice was approved to give me her kidney. Thoughts about the options for my future. Thoughts about the damage I have done to myself and the things that I have survived, and why. And whether or not I even want this kidney and an extension of my life. A kidney is likely to be a big improvement on my current health. But I am still type one diabetic, hiv positive, bipolar, addicted. . . A kidney is not a miracle cure. A kidney could be a whole new set of problems.
That a woman I barely know has taken it upon herself to give me her kidney, is a miracle. The fact that her higher power Jesus has (according to her) directed her to follow through with this and the fact that she did in fact follow through with no strings attached. . . That is something beyond me by far. I have no special feeling for Jesus, she is welcome to what gives her meaning. But why does her god feel interest in me? I don’t feel interest in him. I feel connected and rooted in my own spiritual choices.
So I asked my husband what is the meaning of life? What is the point? And he looked me in the eye and he told me it is for fulfillment of ourselves whether for good or ill. To satisfy our own potential. For him, he said, it is to love me.
And I wander about this planet, flawed, weak, sickly, proud, selfish, loving but always short of the mark. And yet I am alive and granted life on so many levels over and over again. And I am loved far beyond my merits.
And I do not work. And the taxpayers cover my medical and my living expenses. And Janice offers me a necessary organ, which I cannot provide for myself. And my family is loyal and loving and supportive in every way they are able.
And I have so much brain damage that I can scarcely remember my own life. And if one cannot recall their own experiences, is their still meaning in them?
And yet here I am alive against the odds. Having kissed my own mortality more times than I can say. Resilient and here and being offered still more and not sure why.
I am the most fortunate person I know. I am unremarkable and yet somehow the universe gives me everything I need and more. It is extremely confusing. I have no idea why I am alive and supported.
I will sure accept it though. I will accept the help not knowing why.